The first 50 pounds

I've been using MyFitnessPal for about six months, since mid-November. I know that calorie counting really doesn't work for some folks but I've found that being mindful and keeping track of what I'm eating has been an important part of weight loss for me. I've also been doing things like cutting back on red meat, reducing my intake of simple carbs (I can seriously eat half a pound of pasta, so I have to measure it!) and drinking less alcohol (well, trying to). 

I would not say that the process has been easy but it has been easier than I thought it would be. That's not to say that I haven't been busting my butt but I still eat all the foods I enjoy. I just plan ahead a bit more and I'm much more mindful of portions and not eating beyond the point of satiety. I guess this has been my way of working toward mindful eating, while still having a caloric guideline to help me lose weight.

The weight loss has slowed considerably in the last month, possibly because I started an anti-depressant. I knew that might happen and since I need the medication, I'll just have to keep going. I'm able to do more now psychically and I'm much more comfortable in my body, so I'm trying to focus on those positive changes and not get too hung up on what the scale says. This is going to be a long process but I feel like it's something I need to do.

Losing weight is part of a bigger picture for me - I'm trying to do right by myself and take better care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

Birthday Gratitude

I turned 35 a few days ago, on March 20th. I hadn't thought much about my birthday in the days and weeks leading up to it. I've been going through some emotionally difficult times (that's putting it lightly) and I've been so caught up in all of that.

BdayflowersBirthdays used to stir up a lot of feelings for me - sadness, mostly. Disappointment. But around the time I turned 30, I decided that as an adult, birthdays are what you make them - few people are going to get big surprise parties and things like that.

Anyway, since I've been with my husband, birthdays have been a pleasure. Stephen is so great at picking just the right card, the right restaurant, the right thing to say. I never dread my birthday - I look forward to seeing what he has up his sleeve.

This year, he got us tickets to see Amy Schumer the weekend before my birthday and we went to a restaurant I've been wanting to try for my actual birthday evening. He had flowers delivered to the table and the whole thing was wonderful and relaxing.

I also received really touching cards from my parents and in-laws, birthday wishes from friends and family on Facebook, and got to spend a lovely afternoon with my close friend Mallory. It was all enough to make me remember that the people in my life love me and want me to be happy.

I've lived with anxiety and depression for my entire adult life. Sometimes it's bad and sometimes it's barely even noticeable. It's been very bad recently. But my birthday got me out of my head for a bit so I could see reality - no one wants me to be sad or afraid. This is something that happens inside of me but it's not my fault. 

I'm choosing to be patient and love myself, the way the people in my life love me. I don't know if I'll ever be totally free from anxiety but I'm going to do my best to live a good life anyway.